2014 Juicy Details

For this post, I am going to detail all the different guys that I have met and how I felt about them. 

Chubby Asian

I decided one day around Oct/Nov time? to get the app Jack'd. I don't know exactly why I wanted it...I guess I wanted to get to know more gay guys and make friends but as of now I can tell you that It is very very hard to find people who just want to be friends from the app. I can understand that though. Anyways, I was doing a run to blacks beach and when I got to the nude beach I lay on the sand relaxing. I finally decided to download the app after some YOLO moment and soon after before even thinking about what picture to add I got a message. I talked to the guy who messaged me and also didn't have a picture. The conversations were good for couple hours and then we decided to meet up since he worked at the university and I lived nearby. On the day of our meeting he decides to send me a picture and after seeing it I was thinking....hmm not my type but hey I told the guy I would meet up with him and also I was thinking I would just give him a shot. I  met him at a park and we talked for a while on the table, then walked around. I could feel the sexual tension as we started our walk and the sun was going down. This guy worked as an admin while pursuing his PhD. He wants to work somewhere in education and was 30 years old. At this point I was thinking whether or not he was too old for me because that is a 8 year difference. Meh, I didn't really care. Anyways going back to the walk at the park. I was sexually deprived since August, and was pretty much I think dying of some physical contact with a guy. I know I don't know why I seemed so desperate. We walked and I was hard just walking with him like a teenager. We decided to go in the car and we ended up fooling around. I think he was more into it than I was because he was breathing really really hard and like sweating profusely. Then we decided it was better if we went to an enclosed space and went over to his office to fool around more. After the encounter I thought he was a nice guy and maybe I can get over his big tummy, plus he smelled nice (if you don't know by now I have a really big thing for smell..if someone smells bad that is pretty much an immediate turn off). Things didn't go too well...we met up several times going to the beach and then just chilling there. I was already starting to get disinterested and on our second occasion on the beach he tells me he lied about his age. He was actually 36 or 37 which blew me away. It was partly because of how old he was but also his lie. I cannot stand liars and once someone lies they lose my trust pretty much forever. So after that meeting he continued to text me about wanting to study with me or how my day was. My sister told me to just stop texting him completely like ignore him. I think that was a good idea because if I continued then it would lead him on and stuff. After I didn't reply to him he texted me a month later to say hi and then I never heard from him again. I didn't want to hurt him so I think ignoring was the best. Plus I hope he knows that lying about his age was probably what made me stop talking to him. 

Crazy Lover

So this next person just messaged me this one night and just saying after he saw my picture that he wanted a relationship with me. He also said that he knew that I was his type and that it would all work out...without even meeting me in person and just after some small talk. Would you believe that!!?!??? Being the naive person that I was, I kept talking to him and finally he kept messaging me so much to meet up that I did so before going to work on my graveyard shift at the hospital. We met up in front of a McDonalds (despite him insisting on meeting at his place and saying that he was not a creeper). After meeting him at McD's and walking around the block, I decided maybe he isn't a creeper and that we should chat at his place since there wasn't a place to have a nice chat. Well, we got to his place and ended up cuddling and fooling around for a little bit. That is when I realized that I wasn't interested anymore because somehow he smelled a little and he was just too old for me also. I think he said he was 33 years old. Then a bit later we chatted and he just kept messaging to meet up and being negative saying nobody liked him and that he was too ugly and etc. He finally blocked me then unblocked me and I was over it by then because we couldn't even be friends if he acted that way. I did meet up with him another time at his sisters place when she went on vacation but that just made me not really even want to see him because he wanted more than just friendship. This guy was just crazy over me and I don't think I could have handled it anymore....so we are not talking at all anymore. PS....I saw him and his cousin at CPK restaurant while eating out with my friends, and we were next door neighbors in the dining area....what are the coincidences of that hahah. 

Soccer Boy

The reason by I called this person soccer boy is because of his obsession with soccer. He bets, plays, watches, and talks about soccer. I found that kind of hot at first, but not that I realize this persons life sorta revolves around soccer...it isn't haha. Anyways, he messaged me on Jack'd and was pretty persistent and crazy texting like the crazy lover...and that got me thinking fudge. But the naive me gave this person a try and after texting a bit he convinced me to meet up with him. I met him at a shopping complex. Before we met up I called my sister to tell her how crazy this meet up was because i am meeting another crazy person. His pictures looked okay, but I didn't really recall his picture anymore other than being good enough and not creeper looking to meet up with. I met him, and first thing I thought was...asian refugee because the way he dressed and we jay walked to In n Out to eat. He paid for in n out when we met and that was really nice of him. I don't like people paying for me because I have the mindset that that is taking advantage of them. We talked for a little then went back to his place and cuddled and fooled around. I think from that meeting I was a little interested in him and we continued talking and meeting up while giving each other gifts. I also helped get him when his truck broke down from work which was pretty fun. I think he is one of two people in my dating life that I have actually liked. However, I think I have sort of lost attraction towards him. I think it is his age, he is 33 years old and also because of his ambitions in life. He doesn't have goals in life and he is already 33 years old. Everything else about him is good. He loves to cook for me, pays for me (even though I feel bad so I try to pay when I can), and is a really loving person. As a result, I did tell him on multiple occasions that at this point in my life... I don't really want a relationship (which is true), and I do not want to lead him on. I also ask him what he wants out of what we are doing and he tells me...anything. So... I don't know what to do but I think I really like him as a friend, but I really don't feel like doing anything physical with him anymore. Also, whenever we talk he always wants to hang out and asks me constantly when do I finish work. I want my own time to plan out my life and also do my own things so it is kind of annoying when he asks that and when I say no he gets a bit mad. I know this probably means I do not like him, but I don't think it is a good idea to tell him I do not like him. I think telling him I don't want a relationship is much less hurtful. Currently things are going on but I think I rather just stay friends.

Medical Student

I think I have to say that I like the medical student the most out of everyone. I don't know if it's because he's hard to get or that he's just a player. He first messaged me and we traded pictures soon after talking for a bit. When he saw my picture though he told me I looked like an Asian nerd. Anyways one day we were both at the hospital and I happened to be off work buying a parking permit and he asks to meet up at the parking lot since he also just got off his rounds. We meet up and he is a lot taller than I had expected. He told me I looked a lot better in person than the picture so im guessing that is a good thing. We chatted a bit and we walked to my car and I gave him a ride to his car. Later he texted me immediately and asked if I had any plans for the rest of the day and I said other than eating out with friends I can hang out after. Turns out he fell asleep and we didn't meet until 11p and walked to tapioca express to get some boba. After boba he invited me to walk back to his place. My first impressions of him were really good that he went to an ivy league for undergraduate and now is in medical school. Also he had an interesting and adventurous lifestyle the way he put it. He showed me his fishes and we talked all night and I slept on a separate bed (inflatable mattress) until he woke up Saturday morning to go back to the hospital for more work. We hugged and kept hanging out till this day. I am still pretty good friends with med student. Currently he is back at Harvard for one year to finish his masters then he will be coming back to SD to finish up medical school. 

Not Feeling Motivated

Do you ever get that feeling where you tell yourself that you will be doing this and that and then fail to do it? I've been having that thought for a while now and its starting to bother me a lot - yet its so hard to change.

I know that in order to get into medical school, I need to work on a whole bunch of things. I am trying to get my letters of recommendations, personal statements, GPA, coursework, extracurricular activities, and MCAT all prepared. However, I think it seems overwhelming. I guess I just need to learn how to prioritize my things and also have the energy to do it. As of now I think work at the hospital has been tiring me out...so I need to figure out a game plan to get into medical school.

Okay, so I guess that was all the complaining. I am going to outline what I should be doing everyday to get to my goal: medical school.

Everyday...
1) Go workout or do some type of fitness workout
2) Study/Plan or do something at least 2 hours related to medicine
3) Blog about my life
4) Work or find something productive to do

There we have it...i am going to try to keep this stuff up and we shall see within the next couple days if all goes well.... :)

Visitors in Life

Recently, three of my close friends happened to say that they will be leaving San Diego. One of them because she graduated and will be going back to Europe. The other one found out that she got a job in SF. And my one other friend is pretty much leaving me cause he is going on a cruise to South America for his job. I am pretty much sad about this because they are all my close friends and we known each other all of college. I can't even describe what we all experienced from school to personal problems...we've been through it all. That is why I feel really sad to say good bye to them. 

However, these departures got me thinking that people in your life come and go like a visitor. You are the one that will ultimately live your life, but the people that you encounter will shape and help mold you into the person you ultimately would like to become whether it is for good or bad. I would say that so far in my life I am glad to have met everyone. Now you are probably thinking what about family members or partners....I think they can be seen as visitors too because they take part in your journey of life and it just depends on the amount of time you spend with them. I guess what I am trying to do is think of people departing from  my life as positive thing....that they have helped me become a better person (hopefully) and supported me in what I have gone through. It is just difficult for me to let go of my friends due to all the deep connections we've developed over the years. 

Tomorrow is our last good bye before one of them leaves forever...so I am ready to say my goodbyes but not really. 

Work Life

I can't believe how much i learned and am still learning about being an employee at the hospital. What I am talking about specifically is the interactions between workers, what you learn on the job, and also just how the system works in general.

Where Am I Now?- Time Flies

Wow, time does fly. I just read some of the stuff that I wrote a while back when I was only 19/20, and I can definitely say that things have changed. I do miss typing away and just voicing my thoughts without any filters. 

Here are some of the things that have happened since I last wrote: 

1. I graduated college with a bachelors in cognitive neuroscience. 

2. I found a job at the hospital which pays decently well

3. I have had couple more experiences with guys in terms of dating and having a deeper connection (and trust me there is a lot to talk about, I have been on a roller coaster and still am) I think I am still learning about what I like as a gay man. 

4. I came out to two of my sisters and my parents (just yesterday...)

5. I am still thinking about medical school, though I need to get on that ASAP. 

So, I don't know if those are milestones but they seem to have shaped me into a whole different person. I feel much more mature, yet still not mature enough....if that even makes sense haha

What can I say...right now I am sort of dating this guy named D, and hes a good guy but I think I just don't have strong enough feelings for him. I think I might still like the medical student that I had couple of hang outs with. The thing is I don't know if the medical student likes me or not. I am trying to keep my distance away from him because I have my suspicions that he is a player because when we are hanging out he is constantly on his phone texting or talking to other people. My sister tells me to forget about the medical student but I just can't. I know she is right, but maybe just maybe sometimes we have that small hope that the person will like us, but most likely we will just fall on our faces and have to become stronger right? 

Anyways, it was really nice to come back here and update my life. I just wanted to say what I did today though. I went home work the weekend after a graveyard shift and met with 2 friends to get Portos bakery and then eat at a japanese restaurant. I think one of my friends who is a girl likes me and I don't know what to do....we've been hanging out for years and I just don't know what to tell her....she pretty much is implying she likes me. I think ill wait for her to tell me directly then Ill tell her I am gay...so she isn't hurt as much. Don't get me wrong she is beautiful as hell....many of my guy friends think shes good looking and nice but I just don't like her in that way. I value her as a friend and hope to keep her as a good friend. Then I went to get In n Out with my 2 sis and her bf...and then that night I told my parents I was gay (more about that later). Sunday today we hosted a yard sale and then went over to our cousins place in Irvine to get dinner and have a chat at their place. It was a pretty eventful weekend. I am really glad I am out to my entire family except for one sister, because I feel like I can talk much more about my experiences. :) 

Gnite, gonna sleep but hope to see you tomorrow

Successful Day?

Today was a pretty good day for me. I am up  on par with my school work and I got a decent grade on my project for one of my classes. Also what even made it better was that I worked on an extra credit assignment, and a tutor really made my day by helping me step by step and explaining how to do the code. Oh and I even ran a campus loop! :p Now time to watch The New Normal, and then sleep. Got work tomorrow at 7am

Relationships 2

So, another thing that I wanted to talk about is getting into a relationship? I am 20 right now and my apartment mates frequently talk about girls and how they really want to get with them and hopefully get into a relationship. I help them talk about their thoughts and relationship yearnings.

However, there comes a question when people like my friends, aunt or dad ask me questions along the lines of "haven't you ever liked someone before(girl)"-friends , "are you currently in a relationship with any girls you like?"-aunt, "make sure you start looking for girls now since college is the place where you meet nice people"-dad.

A lot goes through my mind when those questions are presented to me. Do I really want to be in a relationship? Am I ready to be in a relationship? I personally think that I don't really yearn for a relationship, but hey if it does come up then I would probably try dating, but its really hard to find guys to date if you aren't "out" yet. Also, I really don't mind having a whole bunch of friends to hang out with even if i have a desire to have a cuddle buddy or something to that effect at times. The other thing that goes through my mind is- why the fuck do people have to care so much about my business. If I don't really respond or try to not talk about girls is cause I am probably not into them. I hate having to cover up by saying who I think is hot etc....I see those girls as friends. I don't like how people assume things like every guy or girl is straight unless proven guilty--if that even makes sense. I don't know, but since i am in the closet still, I think that is why i am annoyed that people ask such questions. Sometimes I wish i could act more flamboyant or something so that people can assume that I am gay because I fit the stereotype, but I want to stay true to myself and that really is not who I am. I guess in a way, i am not annoyed, but more thinking about the implications of telling people about my sexuality. The more i think about coming out, I realize that it really is not a big deal because i have to realize that in this world, you need to really put yourself first and think about yourself. Everyone is in their own bubble, and telling people that you like guys shouldn't matter to them because it doesn't hurt them in anyway, and soon they will have their own lives to care and worry about. Sorry for the rant, but I just wanted to let out all of my thoughts. I hope in the future, I can be more coherent and make sense with my writing. Cheers.

In Deep Trouble

--dated sophmore year...lol its saddening to read this in a draft? Recently i have been feeling quite depressed, mostly because of my academic life--furthermore which affects my social life. I guess i can say i was doing quite well in college until i started organic chemistry. I'm currently on my second quarter of ochem, and i have been behind A LOT. I already barely passed ochem first quarter with a C--i really dont even know how i passed first quarter because i didn't know anything nor did i study until couple days before the final exam. This quarter is a little bit the same for ochem, i am behind and i really don't know anything. This class along with physics has brought my confidence in studying at its low. For example, in recent weeks including today, i have been ditching my math class and ochem class. I justify not going by telling myself that there are podcasts, or that i probably won't learn anything my going to lecture since im so far behind. As a result of all this, i try to study and stay in my room -- but its not effective cuz i end up doing something else. I need to step my game up, and i'm just disappointed about what i have been doing for the past few weeks. Anyways thats it for now.

Update On Life

So its been a while since I posted. I am now into my winter quarter of junior year. I am pretty proud of myself in terms of getting all A's (some A- :( ) since summer of 2012. I have also gotten a job at a neuroscience lab if I haven't mentioned (since a while already) and recently this year entered a research lab in cognitive neurosc. However, with all this work, there is a lot of stress. I think school work is good, but research takes so much time. My first quarter doing research was really chill. I got to run subjects, and see if research is really the environment that I want to ultimately be in. Then comes my second quarter into research, and I feel like there are much much more expectations that are required of me. My mentor informed me about me being more "proactive" in terms of asking intellectual questions, but I feel like its hard for me to do that and I need to work on that. On the other hand, I think he isn't really doing his part in promoting me to be "intellectual". So far, I have spent countless hours learning how to read articles, and try to organize times to meet up and help out with setting up some experiment material. I am also trying to learn a software that goes into MATLAB that can be integrated to run experiments. I feel like school work to me is just full of studying, but what is stressful is research (i know im saying this again)- mainly because I really like being told what to do rather than not know what to do and try to please everyone. I feel like the professor is looking down upon me right now because maybe I don't seem like im doing much because i don't see her as much. So theres my rant, and I just wanted to get it out there even though some things might not make sense. I really do like blogging- and actually keep reading other peoples blogs. I hope to write more on here and post pictures, because I feel like I can actually get to know myself and what I am thinking exactly. Heres to a post that hopefully is the beginning of many to come!

Summer So Far

This summer i've been enjoying what there is to offer in san diego. I've been going to lots of beaches, and staying outdoors to study or just relax and chill with friends haah. Some random stuff today though, i guess im pretty music illiterate. My friend today told me about classical rock including some artists like led zeppelin and his song stairway to heaven, but i had no idea he existed until today haha. However, i think i do have a good reason why im not so good with american music. Since i was young i listened to anything my sisters listened to, which is chinese music. As a result, i don't have much background knowledge of american music. It also doesn't help to go to a high school that is prominently asians- further influencing me to only listen to mostly chinese songs. Though my taste in music since college has shifted a bit, i think im open to most types of music, like indie music and music that is not just pop music. 

Moving on...i went to coronado beach today and got stung by a jellyfish!! Whats funny is my friend was worried as hell, telling me to be very careful of jellyfish and sting rays in the shallow waters...but i kept trying to calm her down and when she was out of the water i went with two other friends into the water and mentioned that we shouldn't go into the water any deeper, but my other friend suggested that she went into the water deeper this morning, and seconds later after moving in a bit deeper, i felt a quick sting to my feet. The pain wasn't excruciating..i think it felt like a needle was stuck in my feet and a fat blister on the punctured part of my feet. I thought it was a nice experience haha. Now i think i have sun burn for going to the beach two days straight in a row. 

I know what i typed has been pretty random, but just wanted to say what was on my mind :p 

Bleh...

My room mate is starting to get annoying he talks on the phone with his mom....and its been an hour already. -_- this has been happening for a while. I want some PEACE n QUIET...

What Makes People Do That?

Have you ever wondered why people do things that seem illogical? We'll I have, and today i just wanted to write about some questions that are on my mind.

1) Why is it that when you tell someone a secret, and tell them to promise to you not to tell that they still end up blabbing about that secret to someone else?

As for me, i understand that in dire circumstances like if someone is going suicide- then its the right thing to tell others. However, what i don't understand is when people blab about a secret that is simple. I am a person that hates people who are "big mouthed" and tell secrets that they promised they wouldn't tell. For me, although many of you don't know me, i am extremely trustworthy. When my friends tell me something, and i promise to not tell it- then i really don't. When i hear other people telling about their friends secrets, it gets on my nerves, because if that person wanted to keep something confidential then they confided it in YOU- and its ultimately your responsibility to keep your mouth shut because they TRUSTED you. Its amazing how some people can break promises and just blab. I want to go deeper into this phenomena. I mean, i am sure nature AND nurture play a role. For example, maybe there is an interaction of genes that play a role in not inhibiting someone to tell out secrets. Maybe, there is a gene that encourages people to not make promises as well as others. But i think in terms of neurological underpinnings of these causes is not too important of a focus in the scientific community as there are more important topics in life that need to be investigated before something social like this is looked into further. Furthermore, i think that there might be an environmental factor that plays a role in facilitating someone to blab. It is possible that a person is positively reinforced to tell out other's secrets because the people who they tell it to encourage them and embellish them with comments that make it gratifying to the secret teller. Those are my opinions and thoughts so far. I do have one thing to say though...I know its sad, but i think i have not found ONE person i can trust yet in life who i can tell everything to.- either im stubborn or i have a problem. Its just, im pretty sure there is someone out there who i can confide my thoughts and secrets with but, so far everyone i met- after observing them...they are blabbers, some extreme or not as much.

2) How do people succeed after going through a rough time or failing school. How do they get the motivation, or what makes them want to attain what they want after all? However, i think we also need to investigate how people become not successful, or rather lose their hope of attaining their goal.

This question came up in the back of my mind, because recently a lot of my friends have been coming from community colleges, and then transferring to pretty good universities. Thats what puzzles me, because when i knew them in high school they weren't getting the best of grades, and they didn't seem like they really liked school. I mean, i am very proud of them for turning around their life, and that this gives me hope that anyone can do what they want if they put their mind to it. But i feel like this is a complex idea to think about. For me, i think that every person has a "limit". Sometimes if you push the correct button- like going through a lot of shit and finally it "hits" you that you want to do whatever you want then you will really have that urge to do it. I don't know if i make sense, but i hope to elaborate on it another time.

-Matt

Losing Interest In Blogging?

Sadly, i am sure most people know that it is very easy to lose interest in blogging, but hard to continue blogging. I want to continue blogging, but its difficult because of everything i have to do. Anyways, i am still here, just reading other people's blogs haha. I want to continue blogging about what i do, and what i am thinking. Today is my sis college graduation!- in four hours...so i better sleep. Just wanted to say that i am extremely proud of her achievements, and hope that she can further apply her skills and knowledge in college to what she wants to do :) . I will blog soon!!!-hopefully

Take Care

Conflicting Conflicts

I was depressed more than i was ever recently, I think largely due to the fact that I met someone, and that im not academically doing well in school.

I met someone that was bisexual on omegle. Lets call them C. I talked to him this one night and we just talked about ourselves. However, ever since he said he had to do something for his mom, he never talked back to me after i wrote, " Hey are you back with your errand yet". So i decided to just come online occasionally and see if he would say hi or something. I don't know but me not being able to talk to him even though i only met him for one day has made me VERY sad in the inside. I think i really just get attached to people easily...which is very bad. I don't want this feeling so i try to shrug it off, but its not. I feel like im getting to the point where im stalking when hes on skype and etc. What conflicts me even more is whether or not he is really bisexual. For me i think sexuality is on a continuum, and that everyones sexual orientation is on a spectrum. That sexuality varies from person to person. However, i think i am just blinding myself that he is more dominant on the guy side. Sorry about the rant, but what i am trying to say is that i just don't understand HOW i can be so depressed when this guy doesn't talk back to me even though we just met once on cam. Its sad, but true. I might have fallen for him--which sounds rather ridiculous. This is the first time i've been hit really hard....

Then there is my school work. I think im currently not doing so hot for medical school standards. I hate ochem, and that brought my gpa down a lot.

I have nothing else much to say, but i am VERY GLAD that i have good friends out there that are willing to spend time and talk to me about being depressed. After a series of events today that started tumbling down to my small depression, i saw my friend online, and i told her i saw her other friend earlier today. Then she asked how i was doing...i told her i was depressed jokingly. She immediately came to see me at 9:40pm when she lives off campus. (she has to walk back 30 mins to where she lives). I am truly grateful for her talking to me especially in a time where i don't know what else to do. Through her thoughtful words, and experience i think i have what it takes to fight this sadness and depression i am feeling. We talked until 12:10am....But here is what i think i am going to change on:

1) to stop comparing myself with others, and to follow my own life.
2) Make my own decisions
3) Be assertive
4) Be happy
5) stick with my values
6) Don't care about what other people think of me

As much as those things may sound repetitive, or better yet corny....i think it is actually meaningful when you take it to heart. These are truly what I should be thinking about. Therefore, NO NEGATIVE thoughts, but positive :)

This post is just a rant, because i think i needed it Hope you everyone is enjoying their time, and remember be happy!

Update On Life

I am currently in my last quarter of ochem...and sadly am still dreading it. I did pretty bad on my recent midterm. As for my other classes, so far i am caught up and doing well. I am currently taking 5 classes this quarter. Genetics, Ochem, Statistics, Music Course, and Cognitive Science. Took a while to get that last course. I also changed my major to Cognitive Science- Neuroscience, with a minor in spanish literature and biology. I also got a job recently for a lab that studies c. elegans....basically a neuroscience lab haha. We'll im pretty tired from studying gentics i guess ill write more later. I have to wake up tomorrow morning to go to this lab safety training at 8am. Sigh.....

"Your Dream (Ideal) Guy"

I have found that most people tend to have someone who they refer to as their "dream guy", i guess in a way i have one too, but in reality i don't really have a dream guy...i meet whoever i meet....but if i DID.....

For me i think i am not too picky. I think im kinda open to many different races, and stuff. However, from experience because of "E", refer to my other posts if you don't know him. (hes the first guy, and so far only guy i have done a little bit of stuff with and dated for a week??), i think
i prefer to date an asian guy (maybe a discreet guy also?) because he might relate better to me. I mean im still open to other races, but i think that someone that is asian might understand where i come from better immediately than someone from another race. Don't get me wrong i would love to still date someone from another race, but an asian might adhere to my values and culture easier because they have come from the same place i came from in the beginning...if that makes sense haha. Overall i mean my dream guy would have to be at least decent looking, but doesn't have to be model status.
The most important trait at the end of the day, however much corny it may sound is the personality. I think that someone who is honest, capable of communicating, and being understanding/counsiderate are the top three qualities that i look for. Keep in mind, i think my "dream person" might change.

By the way, random...but if you care haha...i have been wanting to disclose that my real name is Matt, not Jake. Jake is my fake name that i always use. Sorry about that. Everything else though is REAL!

Take Care,
Matt

Can You Lend A Hand?

Sorry i meant to post this a while back, but needed to edit it, but here it goes:

This morning i just went to my every other Saturday mentor mentee program. This mentor mentee program is to pair college students with other students from (middle school to college) who have autism. I joined the autism club at my school, because i wanted to learn about a disorder that i have heard of but never really studied or knew about in depth like cancer or heart disease. This club has been very rewarding. My mentee has stayed in the program for almost an entire year now, and although there are other mentees out there they usual leave within a quarter or two because they are either uncomfortable or their mentor is not the perfect match for them. I am grateful for my mentee staying, and i hope to work on and strengthen our relationship as he improves on certain areas of his social skills. I just wanna say that i love contributing back to the community and helping those around me. I will help anybody whether they are my friends or strangers. I feel that since i have the ability to help others, its important to contribute now because the community around us is who we are.

Care to help someone out?

Workin out at the gym

has been quite fun recently. Although i have been running around my campus with a friend which is about 4 miles, i have been finding the gym to be very convenient and enjoying. I get to watch hot guys while running, using weights, sit ups, and finally planks. Today, i was running on the treadmill (im quite competitive on the treadmill, i usually want to outbeat anyone that is next to me). Back to the treadmill story, i was running, and as i look down i can see a view of the weight pit below me and so many hot guys working out. I saw one in particular, he was asian and had crazy buff arms and nice body. I, like the coward i am pretended i was running and watching the tv above me, but i gave him couple glances. He looked back too and we kept keeping in eye contact many times throughout my run. He stayed in the same location and he even sat down and lifted weights showing off his body. Anyways...nothing happened, i didn't go to him or do anything like the scardy cat i am haha. But yeah, basically today i just went to meet my mentee who is autistic, went to the library to study for finals, and finally went to the gym and chilled with apartment mates and some friends from elsewhere.

Hope you had a nice day,
Jake

Chilled Again Today

Hey guys, (note: this is just a post about what i did today, might be boring, but if your bored enjoy!!)

I didn't do much today. This morning, i woke up at around 7:30 a.m. and didn't go to math lecture because i was really tired (been doing this, kinda need to stop that) and then woke up several times until 10 when i also missed my organic chemistry lecture (justified cause i tell myself ill listen to podcast). When i woke up, i felt quite horned up and decided to jerk off with random strangers on webcam. (a bad habit of mine...trying to stop that). Around 10:30 am i headed off to my college academic advising, because i am considering changing my major from biochemistry/chemistry to possibly a biology or psych major. However, i want to go for biology even though its impacted. I spoke to the adviser, and she like many others in the academic advising, except for one person in there are useless. My friends confirmed that the academic advisers seem to be lazy and keep telling students to go to the "major counselor". But i find that these advisers should at least help the student find the major they would possibly like by asking them questions and finally allowing them to have a better feeling of what they would like to pursue.

 So, after i finished with the adviser, i went to meet my apartment mate this year and room mate last year (lets call him "J"). J and i went to pick up our writing papers from last year-- you can only pick them up one year after you finish that class. Then he headed off with a friend to count money for donations that they got for a club while i went to the biology academic advising. I found out i had to come back at 1. I ended up having lunch with J and as usual, we go into the dining hall and get a veggie sausage and he stick it under beans while i stick it under salsa. We check out and save some money for our dining cash. We do that for fun, and because we think that the dining halls are a rip off, so we deserve a way to compensate ourselves for paying overpriced food haha.

After lunch i went back to the apartment and waited for my other apartment mate and also my last year roomate, lets call him "JK". (as a side note: Jk and J were my roomates from freshman year and we are basically very close, we can talk about anything other than my sexuality haha...and nope i am not secretly in love with them or anything, they are the brothers i never had in my childhood) Jk and i went to a job fair for engineers...i don't know why i went but i wanted to check out the big companies like google, amazon, fb, and others. I wanted to see how they promote their business and recruit. I got lots of free stuff though specifically from google and boeing haha. Afterwards i went to just accompany Jk to eat lunch and then he went off to his work while i went to biology academic advising. After i signed in, they closed the sign ups and said it was at full capacity (good thing i went right on time). Again, the biology adviser was useless...she told me what i had already known. I thought she could have counseled whether or not biology was a good fit for me. Anyways, i don't think i can get into biology though, i finished all the prerequisites except for two more quarters of physics. Without those this is my last chance to apply, and i most likely won't get in.

 I ended up going back to my dorm, and soon one of my friends her name is E went with me and J to jamba juice and then we got dinner (personal pizzas). After dinner we all went back to the apartment and played couple games of monopoly deal (im addicted haha) and I went to the gym with Jk and another friend, her name is "C'. I ran 4.5 miles, and then did some weights, push ups, and planks. There were couple of really cute guys. I saw three guys who were looking at me throughout my time in the weights section, but i immediately turned away and pretended i was focusing on something else while lifting--- im really shy, and im EXTREMELY scared to look back at people when they look at me. Trust me im trying to learn how to make eye contact with people, i mean why wouldn't i wanna try to lure some cute guys and ask them out?! Anyways after we worked out, me and Jk walked C back to her apartment and got some shakes. As we were going back we saw our pretty close friend named "Cl", hes mexican by blood, but his parents raised him without the mexican culture, so essentially hes like an american. Me and Jk were shivering in the cold and walked back to our apartments, and now after a hot shower im sitting on my bed writing this post.

 I should sleep soon cuz i have to do some volunteering tomorrow morning. I guess i can say today was productive. I think i will try to organize my writing better next time so its not as crowded, and PLUS i want to write about all the hot guys i see!!!-- its hard to cuz, i kinda forget about it after couple days. Also, ill try to post more about me, and the people who i hang out with, so theres at least a visual of who i am and who i hang out with haha. I mean whats the point of reading a blog, if you can't visualize all the sexy guys that i meet in my life :). Gonna go read some blogs now, nite.

Just Met Up With

the first guy that i met in my life. Lets call him "E". The one from before when i posted about him and me feeling guilty. Basically, i tried to avoid him since winter break but i just wanted to get my point across to him that i don't have any feelings for him anymore. After my parents dropped me off at school, i was already in my apartment.  our text went like this before the encounter:

e: Hey im near your place, wanna meet up?

me: oh ill be back in 15 mins. (i was already in the apartment)

e: Do you wanna hang out now?

e: can i go up now?

me: ok lets meet downstairs

e: what ever.

me: kk im going down now

I think he said whatever because he knew i was avoiding him and now didn't want him to go up to my apartment. (but that will never be known, thats my interpretation)

I went downstairs outside of the lobby of my apartment, and after walking around by myself in circles, i see a figure that looks like him. I am bad at recognizing people, so i stare for a couple seconds, and soon i see someone waving at me. We got closer and hugged. Then we proceeded to sit at a table outside, and we caught up on what happened with our lives and etc. Soon it got to the question. He said that he met someone he really liked that lived in my apartment, and that they have been going out for past couple weeks. E asked me though if i still had any feelings towards him, because he still thinks about me and likes me a little. I didn't want to say outright that i don't have any feelings for him anymore, and that he should focus on who he is dating right now. Instead, i said that i really don't have time for a relationship, and that since he is with someone right now, he should cherish that and focus his love all on that person. (in fact i am busy with school, and as with my previous posts i said that i don't think i can put in the effort for a relationship.)  He finally got the message, and said that he was a little hurt. But i couldn't take back what i said, because i meant it, and i didn't want to lead him on saying that i liked him or something. I told him that we can be friends, and ill be there to talk to him about anything that happens with him. We ended by hugging and saying goodbye on the elevator, because the person he currently likes lives in the same apartment as me. As of now, i don't know how i feel but i feel relieved that this experience with E has taught me many valuable lessons. I know what i want in a relationship if i did pursue it. I want to not have sex, and have a good time hanging out with my potential partner. I think that sex can come into play when we both know each other well, and want to commit to a long term relationship.

Thats all for now, and i am heading to bed now cuz i feel sick haha.

Nite,
Jake