2014 Juicy Details

For this post, I am going to detail all the different guys that I have met and how I felt about them. 

Chubby Asian

I decided one day around Oct/Nov time? to get the app Jack'd. I don't know exactly why I wanted it...I guess I wanted to get to know more gay guys and make friends but as of now I can tell you that It is very very hard to find people who just want to be friends from the app. I can understand that though. Anyways, I was doing a run to blacks beach and when I got to the nude beach I lay on the sand relaxing. I finally decided to download the app after some YOLO moment and soon after before even thinking about what picture to add I got a message. I talked to the guy who messaged me and also didn't have a picture. The conversations were good for couple hours and then we decided to meet up since he worked at the university and I lived nearby. On the day of our meeting he decides to send me a picture and after seeing it I was thinking....hmm not my type but hey I told the guy I would meet up with him and also I was thinking I would just give him a shot. I  met him at a park and we talked for a while on the table, then walked around. I could feel the sexual tension as we started our walk and the sun was going down. This guy worked as an admin while pursuing his PhD. He wants to work somewhere in education and was 30 years old. At this point I was thinking whether or not he was too old for me because that is a 8 year difference. Meh, I didn't really care. Anyways going back to the walk at the park. I was sexually deprived since August, and was pretty much I think dying of some physical contact with a guy. I know I don't know why I seemed so desperate. We walked and I was hard just walking with him like a teenager. We decided to go in the car and we ended up fooling around. I think he was more into it than I was because he was breathing really really hard and like sweating profusely. Then we decided it was better if we went to an enclosed space and went over to his office to fool around more. After the encounter I thought he was a nice guy and maybe I can get over his big tummy, plus he smelled nice (if you don't know by now I have a really big thing for smell..if someone smells bad that is pretty much an immediate turn off). Things didn't go too well...we met up several times going to the beach and then just chilling there. I was already starting to get disinterested and on our second occasion on the beach he tells me he lied about his age. He was actually 36 or 37 which blew me away. It was partly because of how old he was but also his lie. I cannot stand liars and once someone lies they lose my trust pretty much forever. So after that meeting he continued to text me about wanting to study with me or how my day was. My sister told me to just stop texting him completely like ignore him. I think that was a good idea because if I continued then it would lead him on and stuff. After I didn't reply to him he texted me a month later to say hi and then I never heard from him again. I didn't want to hurt him so I think ignoring was the best. Plus I hope he knows that lying about his age was probably what made me stop talking to him. 

Crazy Lover

So this next person just messaged me this one night and just saying after he saw my picture that he wanted a relationship with me. He also said that he knew that I was his type and that it would all work out...without even meeting me in person and just after some small talk. Would you believe that!!?!??? Being the naive person that I was, I kept talking to him and finally he kept messaging me so much to meet up that I did so before going to work on my graveyard shift at the hospital. We met up in front of a McDonalds (despite him insisting on meeting at his place and saying that he was not a creeper). After meeting him at McD's and walking around the block, I decided maybe he isn't a creeper and that we should chat at his place since there wasn't a place to have a nice chat. Well, we got to his place and ended up cuddling and fooling around for a little bit. That is when I realized that I wasn't interested anymore because somehow he smelled a little and he was just too old for me also. I think he said he was 33 years old. Then a bit later we chatted and he just kept messaging to meet up and being negative saying nobody liked him and that he was too ugly and etc. He finally blocked me then unblocked me and I was over it by then because we couldn't even be friends if he acted that way. I did meet up with him another time at his sisters place when she went on vacation but that just made me not really even want to see him because he wanted more than just friendship. This guy was just crazy over me and I don't think I could have handled it anymore....so we are not talking at all anymore. PS....I saw him and his cousin at CPK restaurant while eating out with my friends, and we were next door neighbors in the dining area....what are the coincidences of that hahah. 

Soccer Boy

The reason by I called this person soccer boy is because of his obsession with soccer. He bets, plays, watches, and talks about soccer. I found that kind of hot at first, but not that I realize this persons life sorta revolves around soccer...it isn't haha. Anyways, he messaged me on Jack'd and was pretty persistent and crazy texting like the crazy lover...and that got me thinking fudge. But the naive me gave this person a try and after texting a bit he convinced me to meet up with him. I met him at a shopping complex. Before we met up I called my sister to tell her how crazy this meet up was because i am meeting another crazy person. His pictures looked okay, but I didn't really recall his picture anymore other than being good enough and not creeper looking to meet up with. I met him, and first thing I thought was...asian refugee because the way he dressed and we jay walked to In n Out to eat. He paid for in n out when we met and that was really nice of him. I don't like people paying for me because I have the mindset that that is taking advantage of them. We talked for a little then went back to his place and cuddled and fooled around. I think from that meeting I was a little interested in him and we continued talking and meeting up while giving each other gifts. I also helped get him when his truck broke down from work which was pretty fun. I think he is one of two people in my dating life that I have actually liked. However, I think I have sort of lost attraction towards him. I think it is his age, he is 33 years old and also because of his ambitions in life. He doesn't have goals in life and he is already 33 years old. Everything else about him is good. He loves to cook for me, pays for me (even though I feel bad so I try to pay when I can), and is a really loving person. As a result, I did tell him on multiple occasions that at this point in my life... I don't really want a relationship (which is true), and I do not want to lead him on. I also ask him what he wants out of what we are doing and he tells me...anything. So... I don't know what to do but I think I really like him as a friend, but I really don't feel like doing anything physical with him anymore. Also, whenever we talk he always wants to hang out and asks me constantly when do I finish work. I want my own time to plan out my life and also do my own things so it is kind of annoying when he asks that and when I say no he gets a bit mad. I know this probably means I do not like him, but I don't think it is a good idea to tell him I do not like him. I think telling him I don't want a relationship is much less hurtful. Currently things are going on but I think I rather just stay friends.

Medical Student

I think I have to say that I like the medical student the most out of everyone. I don't know if it's because he's hard to get or that he's just a player. He first messaged me and we traded pictures soon after talking for a bit. When he saw my picture though he told me I looked like an Asian nerd. Anyways one day we were both at the hospital and I happened to be off work buying a parking permit and he asks to meet up at the parking lot since he also just got off his rounds. We meet up and he is a lot taller than I had expected. He told me I looked a lot better in person than the picture so im guessing that is a good thing. We chatted a bit and we walked to my car and I gave him a ride to his car. Later he texted me immediately and asked if I had any plans for the rest of the day and I said other than eating out with friends I can hang out after. Turns out he fell asleep and we didn't meet until 11p and walked to tapioca express to get some boba. After boba he invited me to walk back to his place. My first impressions of him were really good that he went to an ivy league for undergraduate and now is in medical school. Also he had an interesting and adventurous lifestyle the way he put it. He showed me his fishes and we talked all night and I slept on a separate bed (inflatable mattress) until he woke up Saturday morning to go back to the hospital for more work. We hugged and kept hanging out till this day. I am still pretty good friends with med student. Currently he is back at Harvard for one year to finish his masters then he will be coming back to SD to finish up medical school. 

Not Feeling Motivated

Do you ever get that feeling where you tell yourself that you will be doing this and that and then fail to do it? I've been having that thought for a while now and its starting to bother me a lot - yet its so hard to change.

I know that in order to get into medical school, I need to work on a whole bunch of things. I am trying to get my letters of recommendations, personal statements, GPA, coursework, extracurricular activities, and MCAT all prepared. However, I think it seems overwhelming. I guess I just need to learn how to prioritize my things and also have the energy to do it. As of now I think work at the hospital has been tiring me out...so I need to figure out a game plan to get into medical school.

Okay, so I guess that was all the complaining. I am going to outline what I should be doing everyday to get to my goal: medical school.

Everyday...
1) Go workout or do some type of fitness workout
2) Study/Plan or do something at least 2 hours related to medicine
3) Blog about my life
4) Work or find something productive to do

There we have it...i am going to try to keep this stuff up and we shall see within the next couple days if all goes well.... :)

Visitors in Life

Recently, three of my close friends happened to say that they will be leaving San Diego. One of them because she graduated and will be going back to Europe. The other one found out that she got a job in SF. And my one other friend is pretty much leaving me cause he is going on a cruise to South America for his job. I am pretty much sad about this because they are all my close friends and we known each other all of college. I can't even describe what we all experienced from school to personal problems...we've been through it all. That is why I feel really sad to say good bye to them. 

However, these departures got me thinking that people in your life come and go like a visitor. You are the one that will ultimately live your life, but the people that you encounter will shape and help mold you into the person you ultimately would like to become whether it is for good or bad. I would say that so far in my life I am glad to have met everyone. Now you are probably thinking what about family members or partners....I think they can be seen as visitors too because they take part in your journey of life and it just depends on the amount of time you spend with them. I guess what I am trying to do is think of people departing from  my life as positive thing....that they have helped me become a better person (hopefully) and supported me in what I have gone through. It is just difficult for me to let go of my friends due to all the deep connections we've developed over the years. 

Tomorrow is our last good bye before one of them leaves forever...so I am ready to say my goodbyes but not really. 

Work Life

I can't believe how much i learned and am still learning about being an employee at the hospital. What I am talking about specifically is the interactions between workers, what you learn on the job, and also just how the system works in general.

Where Am I Now?- Time Flies

Wow, time does fly. I just read some of the stuff that I wrote a while back when I was only 19/20, and I can definitely say that things have changed. I do miss typing away and just voicing my thoughts without any filters. 

Here are some of the things that have happened since I last wrote: 

1. I graduated college with a bachelors in cognitive neuroscience. 

2. I found a job at the hospital which pays decently well

3. I have had couple more experiences with guys in terms of dating and having a deeper connection (and trust me there is a lot to talk about, I have been on a roller coaster and still am) I think I am still learning about what I like as a gay man. 

4. I came out to two of my sisters and my parents (just yesterday...)

5. I am still thinking about medical school, though I need to get on that ASAP. 

So, I don't know if those are milestones but they seem to have shaped me into a whole different person. I feel much more mature, yet still not mature enough....if that even makes sense haha

What can I say...right now I am sort of dating this guy named D, and hes a good guy but I think I just don't have strong enough feelings for him. I think I might still like the medical student that I had couple of hang outs with. The thing is I don't know if the medical student likes me or not. I am trying to keep my distance away from him because I have my suspicions that he is a player because when we are hanging out he is constantly on his phone texting or talking to other people. My sister tells me to forget about the medical student but I just can't. I know she is right, but maybe just maybe sometimes we have that small hope that the person will like us, but most likely we will just fall on our faces and have to become stronger right? 

Anyways, it was really nice to come back here and update my life. I just wanted to say what I did today though. I went home work the weekend after a graveyard shift and met with 2 friends to get Portos bakery and then eat at a japanese restaurant. I think one of my friends who is a girl likes me and I don't know what to do....we've been hanging out for years and I just don't know what to tell her....she pretty much is implying she likes me. I think ill wait for her to tell me directly then Ill tell her I am gay...so she isn't hurt as much. Don't get me wrong she is beautiful as hell....many of my guy friends think shes good looking and nice but I just don't like her in that way. I value her as a friend and hope to keep her as a good friend. Then I went to get In n Out with my 2 sis and her bf...and then that night I told my parents I was gay (more about that later). Sunday today we hosted a yard sale and then went over to our cousins place in Irvine to get dinner and have a chat at their place. It was a pretty eventful weekend. I am really glad I am out to my entire family except for one sister, because I feel like I can talk much more about my experiences. :) 

Gnite, gonna sleep but hope to see you tomorrow

Successful Day?

Today was a pretty good day for me. I am up  on par with my school work and I got a decent grade on my project for one of my classes. Also what even made it better was that I worked on an extra credit assignment, and a tutor really made my day by helping me step by step and explaining how to do the code. Oh and I even ran a campus loop! :p Now time to watch The New Normal, and then sleep. Got work tomorrow at 7am

Relationships 2

So, another thing that I wanted to talk about is getting into a relationship? I am 20 right now and my apartment mates frequently talk about girls and how they really want to get with them and hopefully get into a relationship. I help them talk about their thoughts and relationship yearnings.

However, there comes a question when people like my friends, aunt or dad ask me questions along the lines of "haven't you ever liked someone before(girl)"-friends , "are you currently in a relationship with any girls you like?"-aunt, "make sure you start looking for girls now since college is the place where you meet nice people"-dad.

A lot goes through my mind when those questions are presented to me. Do I really want to be in a relationship? Am I ready to be in a relationship? I personally think that I don't really yearn for a relationship, but hey if it does come up then I would probably try dating, but its really hard to find guys to date if you aren't "out" yet. Also, I really don't mind having a whole bunch of friends to hang out with even if i have a desire to have a cuddle buddy or something to that effect at times. The other thing that goes through my mind is- why the fuck do people have to care so much about my business. If I don't really respond or try to not talk about girls is cause I am probably not into them. I hate having to cover up by saying who I think is hot etc....I see those girls as friends. I don't like how people assume things like every guy or girl is straight unless proven guilty--if that even makes sense. I don't know, but since i am in the closet still, I think that is why i am annoyed that people ask such questions. Sometimes I wish i could act more flamboyant or something so that people can assume that I am gay because I fit the stereotype, but I want to stay true to myself and that really is not who I am. I guess in a way, i am not annoyed, but more thinking about the implications of telling people about my sexuality. The more i think about coming out, I realize that it really is not a big deal because i have to realize that in this world, you need to really put yourself first and think about yourself. Everyone is in their own bubble, and telling people that you like guys shouldn't matter to them because it doesn't hurt them in anyway, and soon they will have their own lives to care and worry about. Sorry for the rant, but I just wanted to let out all of my thoughts. I hope in the future, I can be more coherent and make sense with my writing. Cheers.