Update on Life

Hey guys, 

Sorry i have not taken much time to post. I have a lot to tell, cuz a lot of things have happened recently....i think mostly bad?

Well, since its getting late i just want to say that i got into a short encounter with a guy and that was my first time. We did sleep together and do stuff (ill explain later). But, now him and i are just buds. This "incidence" has caused me to think more about what i want in a relationship, and to reevaluate my values. haha but it did take a toll on my grades this quarter, which im not very happy with either. 

ill talk to you guys later, tomorrow im going to disneyland so i g2g wake up early. 

Take Care,

Jake

New 365 Days

Hey guys!

I'm thinking about taking a picture and doing a my 365 days of fun?...maybe not, 

but of what captures the highlight of my day, everyday. 

Now, i can't guarantee you that i will post everyday, but i will try my best to post pictures of my daily activities. 

Take care for now, 

Jake  

Gay Asians?

Hey guys,

Hope you guys have been doing well

The topic of the attitude of the gay community towards gay asians and also attitudes of gay asians with gay asians is very interesting. - since i consider myself to be a gay asian

The reason i wanted to bring this topic up was because ocassionally i will go on manroulette or a site similar to that and meet other guys who like guys. As of right now, this is the only place i can go to meet people in the gay community. Other than that, i have read many blogs and watched documentaries where gay asians are in the "lower" hierarchy of the gay community. However, i have come to a conclusion in my mind that most people in the gay community have a stigma, or dislike towards asian guys.

Therefore, i really wanted to find out the reason behind this idea of gay asians on the lowest hierachy in the gay community. 

To my surprise, i found out that there are even terms that are attached to gay asians like "sticky rice" (a gay asian that likes other asian men) or "potatoe queens" (a gay asian guy that likes white men). I feel that these terms are demeaning and am disappointed that the gay community would create terms like this to ruin the image of the gay asian male. 

I understand that there is a fine line between preference and total exclusion. Sorry i can't think of the word right now, but what i am saying is that many people are entitled to their preference of who they would like to date or pursue a relationship with, and there are those who exclude an entire ethnicity and would not even associate or hang out with those people. 

I understand that i have not fully been able to understand about the gay community yet, but this is so far what i think of gay asians in the community. 


-Jake

College Sophomore Yr Week 1-3

Hey guys,

As you can tell from my title, i'm not a really creative person. Unless i am in the mood to be thinking about creative stuff i don't think i can. 

It's been a while since i could give an update of my life. So far, its been quite boring, just mostly studying, checking out clubs and frats (maybe next quarter).

This quarter i am taking bio-psychology, biology of tissues and organs, a music class about symphony, and organic chemistry. Haven't really focused on any other classes other than organic....mostly dreading about this class because of what i have heard from other people haha. 

As for clubs i have been involved since last year the autism club where we spread our knowledge about autism through journal clubs and other informational events. I also mentor a kid who has autism, but really he seems like any normal kid :) I just had a mentor/mentee session this past week, and we just catch up on life, and i try to help him build up his confidence, since he says that most people in school call him weird and don't want to be his friends. Other than the autism club, i'm thinking about joining interaxons- a group that encourages k-12 children to pursue their interest in neuroscience. Also, im interested in traveling abroad either studying or medical trip to a Spanish speaking country. 

Other than clubs, i was looking into this community service frat, and went to couple events. Everyone at the events were REALLY nice, and there were alumni, returning members, and rushees who were very social and just had a downright humble personality. But since i don't know how i can handle my courses this quarter, i might join next quarter when i get a feel of how school is like once again haha. 

Hmm...anything else about my life....i applied for a lab job at a famous institute near my university, and i really want that job as it pays $9/hour but i think its a really hard position to get...so if i do get it ill be really stoked!!!! 

Talking about relationships....i'm still single and ready to mingle haha..but i guess im too focused on school work that im pushing relationship stuff behind. Especially since im gay, its even harder to find a relationship out there. However, i think before getting into relationships, i should better understand about myself, my sexuality, and my takes on how i want to handle a relationship, cause right now....its just hormones raging inside of me that i think i have more of a sexual drive than a balanced emotional/sexual drive (if you know what im talking about?) haha alright, i guess i will talk to you guys later gonna take a nap and then wake up study, and gym. 

Thanks

-Jake

Conflicting Feelings - Rage and Normalcy

Hey Everyone, 

I guess i have been having these two contrasting feelings as expressed through my title,  toward my ex room mate "Tom" since freshman year of college. Now that i have a single room to myself, he and my other room mate that used to live with me are next door living in a double. I am pretty sure you are wondering why exactly i am having these conflicting feelings towards him, but that is why i am here....basically to pinpoint the real reason why i have these mixed feelings. 

Since you guys don't know much about me, many people say that i tend to be a rational person...i think almost to the point where i can't let go of something when there just doesn't seem to be justice. So, going back to Tom's case: I constantly remind myself that i should treat him the same as everyone else, and that since he is my room mate, i want to build a long lasting relationship with him. However, i seem to see a lot of problems with him that are starting to get me annoyed. 

I will list the ones i can think of as of this moment (some can be merged, but im just spitting what comes to mind) :

1) Last year, he would eat almost all the snacks that i brought from home, leaving me hungry during the times that i want to eat at night while studying. 

2) He borrows an item, and i can say that he always never returns them back to me...i have to take it back from him. Namely (my special tie, scissors, really good headphones, food..it goes into his stomach and i get nothing in return, highlighter, pencils and pens, power surge, pillow, blanket) Oh and to add on, he sometimes takes items from me without even asking! 

3) He makes comments that are annoying to me. (ex: recently he keeps asking why i lock my door when i go to sleep, why i lock my door when i leave the apartment, and just keeps telling everyone that i locked my door and that he doesn't like it) ....i have a habit of keeping my door locked, and i don't think there is anything bad about that. I mean i have money in my drawer, and valuable items. Also, when i sleep i like to have my door locked, since i don't want random people coming into my room. 

4) Food this year in the apartment- Although he already pitched in for "apartment food", he still takes my food from the fridge, and never asks me. (If you know me, i am a person that can't say no, its really hard for me. So, if he asked me i would say yes...but he doesn't!) In addition to my items, he sometimes eats other peoples items too, which really annoys me because i RESPECT other people's items, and would NOT touch it without their permission.  ex: during the summer, when i had groceries in the fridge, he took it and just cooked it. Later he asks me if i want some, and i tell him that next time he should ask when cooking my groceries. And he tells me, "well im going to cook this anyways"....and his response is what i don't get.

5) I understand that we all have judgments that are irrational at certain times, because no matter what as humans we judge and as long as we understand that and we fix our mean and irrational thoughts that go through our head, that would makes us a more understanding and acceptable person. Well, i have to admit that i am just annoyed by the way he is always lethargic and always trying to bring me down in certain situations, like when i say something good happened to me. Also, i don't like the way he continues to ask me for English help, like pestering me always to try and fix his grammar or the way he talks. The way he talks is also starting to get to me. THEREFORE, i know this fifth reason is mean to say, so that is why i am trying to find out the reason why sometimes i have this irrational hearted against him. (which now i believe is a build-up of the first four reasons). 

6) Something else that i thought of is that he snatches things that aren't his, and invades your privacy. For example, for food he would search through what you have brought/bought for that week. Or for regular items, whatever he needs he would just take it out of your drawer if needed. Also, he peeks into your computer screen to see what you are doing. This obviously frustrates me nuts!--especially when trying to write this blog.

So, i understand that James and i still have our good times where we talk, and watch movies and occasionally hang out. But, i still don't think he knows that oftentimes i would have a strong hatred toward everything he does (i don't show my rage, i keep it to myself) .- i think now it relates to mostly food, when he takes mine or other peoples items without asking.


 As for suggestions, you can't really suggest me to talk to him, because i already did. During the summer, when i lived with my high school friend and him, we had a food argument and basically we told each other that it was important not to take other peoples items, and that we should pay each other groceries equally, not one person not pay and eat the food. However, these talks and arguments went about numerous of times, but he still doesn't understand. (I don't know why) He even tells me that it is important not to take other peoples items. 

So these are some ideas that got me thinking about why he would act this way: 

1) He really does not know who's food he is eating, and that he is paying for it from the "sharing". --but today he just drank the soup my mom brought in today...without telling me...so i dunno

2) He's used to sharing things at home, and just takes what he wants from his family members. (but i did tell him to ask me before taking my things...but he still continues to take my stuff before asking) 

I think i am forgiving of him also, because he doesn't live in southern California, and his parents aren't even in the states, so he has to get food on his own.


Man i really have to say, i am actually VERY HAPPY and WILLING to SHARE almost anything of mine, as long as someone asks. But when someone just takes your items without asking, its like stealing. 

I am trying to learn to forget about it also, cause these are actually very small problems, and i want to still be a good friend to him. (but a lot of small problems can build up)

I think i am forgiving of him also, because he doesn't live in southern California, and his parents aren't even in the states, so he has to get food on his own. 

Apartment Food Arrangement

Hi guys, 

Recently i moved into the new apartments at my school and they are extremely nice! However, i have one main concern- Food. 

I am the frugal person when it comes to food or anything that needs to be shared. This is a big problem right now, because for me i think that living in an apartment, we should all buy our own food and then ask other people if we can use or eat their things. Thing is, we went to the market and my old roommates and i decided that we should buy groceries individually, but did not know how to tell our other apartment mates.


In the end we did, but one of the apartment mate just shrugged it off, and the other i think was okay with the individual food buying method. 


To me, i think that it is unfair to share between six guys for groceries, because we though we eat a lot, everyone eats different amounts, and all of us have our own preferences of what we like and dislike for food. From experience and hearing what other people say, paying for your own food to me is the best way when living with people, because this way everyone has the freedom to eat however much they want or what they want without thinking about splitting the costs or worrying about how its unfair another person ate all of a certain item in the fridge. 


I think that unless your in a relationship, or a family, sharing food is not the best idea. 


As for me, this is what i am thinking about doing the next time we decide to have our food talk:


Everyone buys their food individually, and we can ask each other to have some of the other persons food if we want.

Other than that i am open to sharing staple foods like (spices, sauces, milk, butter, eggs). 


If we want "family dinners" (once a week) we can split that cost. 

Update: I now have my own fridge so i can eat my own stuff now without it being gone the next day!


Sorry about the rant, but i just wanted to get that out of my mind. 


Have a nice day, :)
-Jake

My First Coming Out

It was only days after my birthday in August. I had been doing research at my second oldest sister's private school with her professor during that month, and was living with her during that time. One night, couple days after my birthday (i forgot when the exact date was) around 12am i sat at the dining table with my sister trying to help her with her graduate school applications and talking to her about her life, among other topics. 

However, throughout this talk, in the back of my mind, i was thinking, "man..when am i going to tell her that i like guys". I knew i wanted to tell her,  because out of my three sisters, i felt closest to her at that time because we delved deep into a variety of topics about her life, from her relationships to her goals and aspirations in life. I found that she basically shared every aspect of her life to me, and that was very nice.  

*As a side note, i have a hard time trusting people in general. I have not found the reason for my insecurity of trusting people, but  i am the type of person that can definitely keep a secret for anyone- that is why my friends always come to me for help. I take promises seriously, whenever i promise something, i WILL fulfill it. No questions asked.

So, some time passed and, it was already 2a.m.  We were about to end our conversation after talking about our oldest sister and how to help her succeed in school while fixing her arrogant personality. We closed the lights, and she was already in bed, while i went into the bathroom. I thought to myself, wow i am a loser, i told myself that it would be best to tell her that day because we were alone and i was sick of keeping my sexuality to myself. Although i knew my sister would accept me already, the act of saying, "i like dudes" is weird in my mind and just mind boggling. 


I went out of the bathroom, and here goes the dialogue between the both of us:


Sis: "Jake, what do you want to eat for lunch tomorrow, and what time?"


Me: "uhh...we can eat anything, and doesn't matter what time"


Sis: "Okay, lets eat at 12:00"


Me: "studdering.....Sure"


...Awkward pause and silence....


Me: As i was shaking nervously in the dark, and throat dry to the point where i almost couldn't speak a word out of my mouth..i said " Hey, i have something to tell you"


Sis: Shocked, and started blurting out possibilities, "Your on drugs?", "You got someone pregnant?" 


Me: "No...none of those, of course i wouldn't do drugs...actually....i...think....i....kinda....like...guys..."


Sis: "WHAT?, are you sure you like guys?"


Me: "Yea, i think so"..i almost wanted to run away back into the room, but since i already told her, i decided that probably talking it out with her would finally relieve my stress from holding it in. And also i just needed closure from her that everything is going to be okay haha.


So that was the summary of the dialogue between the both of us. My first time coming out was very difficult for me. Not just saying out loud and hearing myself actually commit to the statement,  "i liked guys", but the process after that. In my mind, i kept on thinking "dude this is weird...i can't pinpoint the feeling of coming out". I knew that i should feel a tad bit of freedom, but i just couldn't. I was worried that my sister would tell her boyfriend, or that she would think differently of me. 


We continued to have a chat, and she was okay with me being gay, but she just kept on asking me questions to confirm that i was really gay, and we just discussed about when i knew i liked guys, how our parents would react, and etc.


I didn't really feel the relief and happiness that most people get after coming out to someone. Instead, for a while after coming out to my sister, i finally pinpointed my feeling, it was guilt. Even though we kept on discussing my attraction towards guys as days went by, i felt guilt and a sense of insecurity. Even though i knew being gay was not wrong, i continued to feel disapproval and the idea of taking this route and lifestyle. As of now, this guilt has gone away a little, but i am slowly reflecting on my sexuality, and telling myself that being gay is natural. I am not sure if this is how people should normally feel after coming out because i have no gay friends that i know of. 


I do not want to blame my feelings of guilt on anyone, but i think that this feeling is due to society's rejection and disapproval towards gays. This is worsened, because my parents continue to have the mindset that i will marry the perfect woman and live and take care of them. Don't get me wrong, i will definitely take care of my parents no matter what, but i hope that they will accept a man to be my partner. 

Well thats it for now guys.  


Take Care, 
-Jake