It was only days after my birthday in August. I had been doing research at my second oldest sister's private school with her professor during that month, and was living with her during that time. One night, couple days after my birthday (i forgot when the exact date was) around 12am i sat at the dining table with my sister trying to help her with her graduate school applications and talking to her about her life, among other topics.
However, throughout this talk, in the back of my mind, i was thinking, "man..when am i going to tell her that i like guys". I knew i wanted to tell her, because out of my three sisters, i felt closest to her at that time because we delved deep into a variety of topics about her life, from her relationships to her goals and aspirations in life. I found that she basically shared every aspect of her life to me, and that was very nice.
*As a side note, i have a hard time trusting people in general. I have not found the reason for my insecurity of trusting people, but i am the type of person that can definitely keep a secret for anyone- that is why my friends always come to me for help. I take promises seriously, whenever i promise something, i WILL fulfill it. No questions asked.
So, some time passed and, it was already 2a.m. We were about to end our conversation after talking about our oldest sister and how to help her succeed in school while fixing her arrogant personality. We closed the lights, and she was already in bed, while i went into the bathroom. I thought to myself, wow i am a loser, i told myself that it would be best to tell her that day because we were alone and i was sick of keeping my sexuality to myself. Although i knew my sister would accept me already, the act of saying, "i like dudes" is weird in my mind and just mind boggling.
I went out of the bathroom, and here goes the dialogue between the both of us:
Sis: "Jake, what do you want to eat for lunch tomorrow, and what time?"
Me: "uhh...we can eat anything, and doesn't matter what time"
Sis: "Okay, lets eat at 12:00"
Me: "studdering.....Sure"
...Awkward pause and silence....
Me: As i was shaking nervously in the dark, and throat dry to the point where i almost couldn't speak a word out of my mouth..i said " Hey, i have something to tell you"
Sis: Shocked, and started blurting out possibilities, "Your on drugs?", "You got someone pregnant?"
Me: "No...none of those, of course i wouldn't do drugs...actually....i...think....i....kinda....like...guys..."
Sis: "WHAT?, are you sure you like guys?"
Me: "Yea, i think so"..i almost wanted to run away back into the room, but since i already told her, i decided that probably talking it out with her would finally relieve my stress from holding it in. And also i just needed closure from her that everything is going to be okay haha.
So that was the summary of the dialogue between the both of us. My first time coming out was very difficult for me. Not just saying out loud and hearing myself actually commit to the statement, "i liked guys", but the process after that. In my mind, i kept on thinking "dude this is weird...i can't pinpoint the feeling of coming out". I knew that i should feel a tad bit of freedom, but i just couldn't. I was worried that my sister would tell her boyfriend, or that she would think differently of me.
We continued to have a chat, and she was okay with me being gay, but she just kept on asking me questions to confirm that i was really gay, and we just discussed about when i knew i liked guys, how our parents would react, and etc.
I didn't really feel the relief and happiness that most people get after coming out to someone. Instead, for a while after coming out to my sister, i finally pinpointed my feeling, it was guilt. Even though we kept on discussing my attraction towards guys as days went by, i felt guilt and a sense of insecurity. Even though i knew being gay was not wrong, i continued to feel disapproval and the idea of taking this route and lifestyle. As of now, this guilt has gone away a little, but i am slowly reflecting on my sexuality, and telling myself that being gay is natural. I am not sure if this is how people should normally feel after coming out because i have no gay friends that i know of.
I do not want to blame my feelings of guilt on anyone, but i think that this feeling is due to society's rejection and disapproval towards gays. This is worsened, because my parents continue to have the mindset that i will marry the perfect woman and live and take care of them. Don't get me wrong, i will definitely take care of my parents no matter what, but i hope that they will accept a man to be my partner.
Well thats it for now guys.
Take Care,
-Jake
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