I would like to say that not being able to just flat out say that you like dudes or share your feelings about them is hard enough. The hardest thing is when your friends and family bombard you with questions, asking, "where is your girlfriend?" or "Is that the girl that you like?" Sometimes i wish i could act more flamboyant, and they can just jump to a conclusion that i am gay. But i somehow just come off as being straight. If i told my close friends that i was gay, they probably wouldn't believe me.
Sometimes you just want to say, you got it all wrong, i like guys. Its hard to tell the truth, because society has frowned upon homosexuality, and since it feels wrong, you do not want to expose yourself or else you will live in a world of misery, and possibly hurt others (parents).
Years before my first coming out:
I remember vividly when i was young and at the airport, my dad took me to the urinal, and there as i turned to my left while standing in front of the urinal and my dad teaching me how to use it, i see a big dick. I was amazed, and immediately kept staring. All of a sudden my dad tapped me and told me to stop looking, and that its rude to stare at others while urinating. I was amazed, but not aroused.
When i first moved to the United States, i went to school in Maryland. My very first day of school when i went on the school bus, there was a girl named Jennifer who asked me to sit next to her. She was blonde and really pretty, i was attracted to her, but only emotionally. I don't remember much but, we just hung out and had a good time. When you are young, well at least for me, you do not know what is a sexual or emotional attraction is. I liked her, but after a year i had to move to California already.
In California, when i started elementary i was attracted to one girl who had a twin in elementary school. We went to each others houses and had fun like usual, while talking about things- i forgot what we talked about.
Well, there were couple girls in my young life, but there was never any true thoughts about wanting a family with them or sexual thoughts. It was until i was in around 4th grade or sometime before that i started to get hard thinking about hot guys or just seeing them in speedos.
I knew i have always liked guys since i can remember. It just feels like an instinctual desire. There is no way of changing it, and trust me, if there is, then everyone would be straight so that they can avoid rejection from society. Also, just think about it, whatever sexual orientation you are- can you change your desire for a certain gender? Throughout the years, i thought to myself what many other guys probably think:
"This is just a phase and i will get over it and begin liking girls again"
"What if i just don't think about guys completely, and jack off while imagining girls"
After a short while, i just come to a realization that, this feeling really can't be changed, and that i have to live with it. As a result, i began researching on the internet about homosexuality, and i think that other than searching on Wikipedia or some dictionary about what is homosexuality, as of right now i think that blogs are really the best way to learn about it. (especially if you are in the closet and out to nobody)
Blogs are channels where i live through other peoples lives, through their words and pictures. Blogs have shown me the lifestyle of a gay life. It has helped me understand that there are other people that like guys, and that it is perfectly normal. Rather, it is society that has been frowning upon such a thing, just like how woman and African Americans were stripped of their rights for something that can not be changed.
Therefore, i have already accepted my sexuality, and through reading blogs, watching movies, and documentaries, i think i have prepared myself for what is the beginning of my coming out process and the exploration of my sexuality. I think about it like this: If you only have one life, why not enjoy it to the fullest, and not have anyone or anything interfere with your happiness. All of us should have the right to pursue happiness.
Hope you guys have a great thursday :)
-Jake
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