Where Am I Now?- Time Flies

Wow, time does fly. I just read some of the stuff that I wrote a while back when I was only 19/20, and I can definitely say that things have changed. I do miss typing away and just voicing my thoughts without any filters. 

Here are some of the things that have happened since I last wrote: 

1. I graduated college with a bachelors in cognitive neuroscience. 

2. I found a job at the hospital which pays decently well

3. I have had couple more experiences with guys in terms of dating and having a deeper connection (and trust me there is a lot to talk about, I have been on a roller coaster and still am) I think I am still learning about what I like as a gay man. 

4. I came out to two of my sisters and my parents (just yesterday...)

5. I am still thinking about medical school, though I need to get on that ASAP. 

So, I don't know if those are milestones but they seem to have shaped me into a whole different person. I feel much more mature, yet still not mature enough....if that even makes sense haha

What can I say...right now I am sort of dating this guy named D, and hes a good guy but I think I just don't have strong enough feelings for him. I think I might still like the medical student that I had couple of hang outs with. The thing is I don't know if the medical student likes me or not. I am trying to keep my distance away from him because I have my suspicions that he is a player because when we are hanging out he is constantly on his phone texting or talking to other people. My sister tells me to forget about the medical student but I just can't. I know she is right, but maybe just maybe sometimes we have that small hope that the person will like us, but most likely we will just fall on our faces and have to become stronger right? 

Anyways, it was really nice to come back here and update my life. I just wanted to say what I did today though. I went home work the weekend after a graveyard shift and met with 2 friends to get Portos bakery and then eat at a japanese restaurant. I think one of my friends who is a girl likes me and I don't know what to do....we've been hanging out for years and I just don't know what to tell her....she pretty much is implying she likes me. I think ill wait for her to tell me directly then Ill tell her I am gay...so she isn't hurt as much. Don't get me wrong she is beautiful as hell....many of my guy friends think shes good looking and nice but I just don't like her in that way. I value her as a friend and hope to keep her as a good friend. Then I went to get In n Out with my 2 sis and her bf...and then that night I told my parents I was gay (more about that later). Sunday today we hosted a yard sale and then went over to our cousins place in Irvine to get dinner and have a chat at their place. It was a pretty eventful weekend. I am really glad I am out to my entire family except for one sister, because I feel like I can talk much more about my experiences. :) 

Gnite, gonna sleep but hope to see you tomorrow

Successful Day?

Today was a pretty good day for me. I am up  on par with my school work and I got a decent grade on my project for one of my classes. Also what even made it better was that I worked on an extra credit assignment, and a tutor really made my day by helping me step by step and explaining how to do the code. Oh and I even ran a campus loop! :p Now time to watch The New Normal, and then sleep. Got work tomorrow at 7am

Relationships 2

So, another thing that I wanted to talk about is getting into a relationship? I am 20 right now and my apartment mates frequently talk about girls and how they really want to get with them and hopefully get into a relationship. I help them talk about their thoughts and relationship yearnings.

However, there comes a question when people like my friends, aunt or dad ask me questions along the lines of "haven't you ever liked someone before(girl)"-friends , "are you currently in a relationship with any girls you like?"-aunt, "make sure you start looking for girls now since college is the place where you meet nice people"-dad.

A lot goes through my mind when those questions are presented to me. Do I really want to be in a relationship? Am I ready to be in a relationship? I personally think that I don't really yearn for a relationship, but hey if it does come up then I would probably try dating, but its really hard to find guys to date if you aren't "out" yet. Also, I really don't mind having a whole bunch of friends to hang out with even if i have a desire to have a cuddle buddy or something to that effect at times. The other thing that goes through my mind is- why the fuck do people have to care so much about my business. If I don't really respond or try to not talk about girls is cause I am probably not into them. I hate having to cover up by saying who I think is hot etc....I see those girls as friends. I don't like how people assume things like every guy or girl is straight unless proven guilty--if that even makes sense. I don't know, but since i am in the closet still, I think that is why i am annoyed that people ask such questions. Sometimes I wish i could act more flamboyant or something so that people can assume that I am gay because I fit the stereotype, but I want to stay true to myself and that really is not who I am. I guess in a way, i am not annoyed, but more thinking about the implications of telling people about my sexuality. The more i think about coming out, I realize that it really is not a big deal because i have to realize that in this world, you need to really put yourself first and think about yourself. Everyone is in their own bubble, and telling people that you like guys shouldn't matter to them because it doesn't hurt them in anyway, and soon they will have their own lives to care and worry about. Sorry for the rant, but I just wanted to let out all of my thoughts. I hope in the future, I can be more coherent and make sense with my writing. Cheers.

In Deep Trouble

--dated sophmore year...lol its saddening to read this in a draft? Recently i have been feeling quite depressed, mostly because of my academic life--furthermore which affects my social life. I guess i can say i was doing quite well in college until i started organic chemistry. I'm currently on my second quarter of ochem, and i have been behind A LOT. I already barely passed ochem first quarter with a C--i really dont even know how i passed first quarter because i didn't know anything nor did i study until couple days before the final exam. This quarter is a little bit the same for ochem, i am behind and i really don't know anything. This class along with physics has brought my confidence in studying at its low. For example, in recent weeks including today, i have been ditching my math class and ochem class. I justify not going by telling myself that there are podcasts, or that i probably won't learn anything my going to lecture since im so far behind. As a result of all this, i try to study and stay in my room -- but its not effective cuz i end up doing something else. I need to step my game up, and i'm just disappointed about what i have been doing for the past few weeks. Anyways thats it for now.

Update On Life

So its been a while since I posted. I am now into my winter quarter of junior year. I am pretty proud of myself in terms of getting all A's (some A- :( ) since summer of 2012. I have also gotten a job at a neuroscience lab if I haven't mentioned (since a while already) and recently this year entered a research lab in cognitive neurosc. However, with all this work, there is a lot of stress. I think school work is good, but research takes so much time. My first quarter doing research was really chill. I got to run subjects, and see if research is really the environment that I want to ultimately be in. Then comes my second quarter into research, and I feel like there are much much more expectations that are required of me. My mentor informed me about me being more "proactive" in terms of asking intellectual questions, but I feel like its hard for me to do that and I need to work on that. On the other hand, I think he isn't really doing his part in promoting me to be "intellectual". So far, I have spent countless hours learning how to read articles, and try to organize times to meet up and help out with setting up some experiment material. I am also trying to learn a software that goes into MATLAB that can be integrated to run experiments. I feel like school work to me is just full of studying, but what is stressful is research (i know im saying this again)- mainly because I really like being told what to do rather than not know what to do and try to please everyone. I feel like the professor is looking down upon me right now because maybe I don't seem like im doing much because i don't see her as much. So theres my rant, and I just wanted to get it out there even though some things might not make sense. I really do like blogging- and actually keep reading other peoples blogs. I hope to write more on here and post pictures, because I feel like I can actually get to know myself and what I am thinking exactly. Heres to a post that hopefully is the beginning of many to come!

Summer So Far

This summer i've been enjoying what there is to offer in san diego. I've been going to lots of beaches, and staying outdoors to study or just relax and chill with friends haah. Some random stuff today though, i guess im pretty music illiterate. My friend today told me about classical rock including some artists like led zeppelin and his song stairway to heaven, but i had no idea he existed until today haha. However, i think i do have a good reason why im not so good with american music. Since i was young i listened to anything my sisters listened to, which is chinese music. As a result, i don't have much background knowledge of american music. It also doesn't help to go to a high school that is prominently asians- further influencing me to only listen to mostly chinese songs. Though my taste in music since college has shifted a bit, i think im open to most types of music, like indie music and music that is not just pop music. 

Moving on...i went to coronado beach today and got stung by a jellyfish!! Whats funny is my friend was worried as hell, telling me to be very careful of jellyfish and sting rays in the shallow waters...but i kept trying to calm her down and when she was out of the water i went with two other friends into the water and mentioned that we shouldn't go into the water any deeper, but my other friend suggested that she went into the water deeper this morning, and seconds later after moving in a bit deeper, i felt a quick sting to my feet. The pain wasn't excruciating..i think it felt like a needle was stuck in my feet and a fat blister on the punctured part of my feet. I thought it was a nice experience haha. Now i think i have sun burn for going to the beach two days straight in a row. 

I know what i typed has been pretty random, but just wanted to say what was on my mind :p 

Bleh...

My room mate is starting to get annoying he talks on the phone with his mom....and its been an hour already. -_- this has been happening for a while. I want some PEACE n QUIET...