Before Coming Out

I would like to say that not being able to just flat out say that you like dudes or share your feelings about them is hard enough. The hardest thing is when your friends and family bombard you with questions, asking, "where is your girlfriend?" or "Is that the girl that you like?" Sometimes i wish i could act more flamboyant, and they can just jump to a conclusion that i am gay. But i somehow just come off as being straight. If i told my close friends that i was gay, they probably wouldn't believe me.
Sometimes you just want to say, you got it all wrong, i like guys. Its hard to tell the truth, because society has frowned upon homosexuality, and since it feels wrong, you do not want to expose yourself or else you will live in a world of misery, and possibly hurt others (parents).


Years before my first coming out:

I remember vividly when i was young and at the airport, my dad took me to the urinal, and there as i turned to my left while standing in front of the urinal and my dad teaching me how to use it, i see a big dick. I was amazed, and immediately kept staring. All of a sudden my dad tapped me and told me to stop looking, and that its rude to stare at others while urinating. I was amazed, but not aroused. 

When i first moved to the United States, i went to school in Maryland. My very first day of school when i went on the school bus, there was a girl named Jennifer who asked me to sit next to her. She was blonde and really pretty, i was attracted to her, but only emotionally. I don't remember much but, we just hung out and had a good time. When you are young, well at least for me, you do not know what is a sexual or emotional attraction is. I liked her, but after a year i had to move to California already.


In California, when i started elementary i was attracted to one girl who had a twin in elementary school. We went to each others houses and had fun like usual, while talking about things- i forgot what we talked about. 


Well, there were couple girls in my young life, but there was never any true thoughts about wanting a family with them or sexual thoughts. It was until i was in around 4th grade or sometime before that i started to get hard thinking about hot guys or just seeing them in speedos. 

I knew i have always liked guys since i can remember. It just feels like an instinctual desire. There is no way of changing it, and trust me, if there is, then everyone would be straight so that they can avoid rejection from society. Also, just think about it, whatever sexual orientation you are- can you change your desire for a certain gender? Throughout the years, i thought to myself what many other guys probably think: 


"This is just a phase and i will get over it and begin liking girls again"

"What if i just don't think about guys completely, and jack off while imagining girls"

After a short while, i just come to a realization that, this feeling really can't be changed, and that i have to live with it. As a result, i began researching on the internet about homosexuality, and i think that other than searching on Wikipedia or some dictionary about what is homosexuality, as of right now i think that blogs are really the best way to learn about it. (especially if you are in the closet and out to nobody) 


Blogs are channels where i live through other peoples lives, through their words and pictures. Blogs have shown me the lifestyle of a gay life. It has helped me understand that there are other people that like guys, and that it is perfectly normal. Rather, it is society that has been frowning upon such a thing, just like how woman and African Americans were stripped of their rights for something that can not be changed. 


Therefore, i have already accepted my sexuality, and through reading blogs, watching movies, and documentaries, i think i have prepared myself for what is the beginning of my coming out process and the exploration of my sexuality. I think about it like this: If you only have one life, why not enjoy it to the fullest, and not have anyone or anything interfere with your happiness. All of us should have the right to pursue happiness. 

 Hope you guys have a great thursday :)
-Jake

Intro

Hey guys, 

Just wanted to tell you the reason behind creating this blog. As you have probably read, i like dudes, and am still in the process of trying to figure out how to come out. (i have only come out to 1 person so far..which i will share in later posts).

This blog is a way of expressing myself, since for the past 18 years of living, i have not been able to share thoughts about my sexual orientation to anyone. Therefore, i find this blog to be an outlet where i can say anything i can think of from hot guys that i see, any thoughts in my head, to the daily activities that i do.


Telling everything about me has its consequences. In this blog, the only thing i will not tell you is, well my name, address, or something that can link you to me -if you haven't known my name isn't really Jake (this is the nickname i use)


I have actually been an avid reader of many blogs. Blogs that have helped me understand about my sexuality and inspire me to appreciate being gay. These blogs have inspired me to share my perspective on life. Ultimately, i want to use this blog as a way of learning and exploring more into my sexuality while helping you maybe learn a few things about life in general, or just entertain you! 


Enjoy
-Jake

About Me

Hi everyone, 

Although i have already made a blog about my daily life, i wanted to make one where i can share my feelings about being in the closet, and my experiences along the way. In the blog, i think i will be able to write almost anything, other than exposing my identity. 


Now i am sure you would like to know some things about me before reading my stories and experiences. 


I am currently 19 years old, Taiwanese, and attending college in California. My family and i immigrated to the US when i was about 2 years of age. For that reason, i am only fluent in speaking hokkien (dialect) and mandarin chinese, but can't read or write for shit. I am also fully capable of writing, speaking, and reading english and spanish. I have a strong interest in the spanish culture and langauge.

Currently, i am pursuing a degree in biochemistry/chemistry, and am looking at becoming an medical doctor or doing something in the medical field. (However since this past summer, i might actually want to do something business related)-ill explain why later on. 

Some of the activities that i enjoy are:

Travel: traveling to any destination. My ideal adventure would be to go somewhere unknown and not know where to go, but more of a road trip where i live day to day living spontaneously. However, there are just some days that i would like to just cuddle with someone and chill for the day.oh also, this is prob the reason i want to do something business related- so that i can travel to different countries.


Swimming: swimming anywhere is great. but swimming at the beach and then just chilling with friends is pretty awesome. 


Running: I used to be in my high school cross country/track and field running for long distance, and used to be really good at it. But now that college has kicked in, i have gotten lazy and usually just do running as a side thing around campus and go to the gym occasionally.

I have more interests and hobbies, and am an open person to about almost anything that i am introduced. I am willing to try almost anything once, and believe in the saying "carpe diem" which means seize the day. I believe that since everyone only has one life (unless there is a breakthrough, where everyone can live forever) that we should enjoy our lives to the fullest extent, and unless we are hurting others that we should not really give a shit about what other people think of what we do or who we are. However, it is important to hear out other people, cause sometimes you might be hurting urself, and it is the people who care about you that might be on your case. 

There is more to come about me, and i hope that this blog is an enjoying for you. Have a nice day :)

-Jake