Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Successful Day?

Today was a pretty good day for me. I am up  on par with my school work and I got a decent grade on my project for one of my classes. Also what even made it better was that I worked on an extra credit assignment, and a tutor really made my day by helping me step by step and explaining how to do the code. Oh and I even ran a campus loop! :p Now time to watch The New Normal, and then sleep. Got work tomorrow at 7am

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Relationships 2

So, another thing that I wanted to talk about is getting into a relationship? I am 20 right now and my apartment mates frequently talk about girls and how they really want to get with them and hopefully get into a relationship. I help them talk about their thoughts and relationship yearnings.

However, there comes a question when people like my friends, aunt or dad ask me questions along the lines of "haven't you ever liked someone before(girl)"-friends , "are you currently in a relationship with any girls you like?"-aunt, "make sure you start looking for girls now since college is the place where you meet nice people"-dad.

A lot goes through my mind when those questions are presented to me. Do I really want to be in a relationship? Am I ready to be in a relationship? I personally think that I don't really yearn for a relationship, but hey if it does come up then I would probably try dating, but its really hard to find guys to date if you aren't "out" yet. Also, I really don't mind having a whole bunch of friends to hang out with even if i have a desire to have a cuddle buddy or something to that effect at times. The other thing that goes through my mind is- why the fuck do people have to care so much about my business. If I don't really respond or try to not talk about girls is cause I am probably not into them. I hate having to cover up by saying who I think is hot etc....I see those girls as friends. I don't like how people assume things like every guy or girl is straight unless proven guilty--if that even makes sense. I don't know, but since i am in the closet still, I think that is why i am annoyed that people ask such questions. Sometimes I wish i could act more flamboyant or something so that people can assume that I am gay because I fit the stereotype, but I want to stay true to myself and that really is not who I am. I guess in a way, i am not annoyed, but more thinking about the implications of telling people about my sexuality. The more i think about coming out, I realize that it really is not a big deal because i have to realize that in this world, you need to really put yourself first and think about yourself. Everyone is in their own bubble, and telling people that you like guys shouldn't matter to them because it doesn't hurt them in anyway, and soon they will have their own lives to care and worry about. Sorry for the rant, but I just wanted to let out all of my thoughts. I hope in the future, I can be more coherent and make sense with my writing. Cheers.

In Deep Trouble

--dated sophmore year...lol its saddening to read this in a draft? Recently i have been feeling quite depressed, mostly because of my academic life--furthermore which affects my social life. I guess i can say i was doing quite well in college until i started organic chemistry. I'm currently on my second quarter of ochem, and i have been behind A LOT. I already barely passed ochem first quarter with a C--i really dont even know how i passed first quarter because i didn't know anything nor did i study until couple days before the final exam. This quarter is a little bit the same for ochem, i am behind and i really don't know anything. This class along with physics has brought my confidence in studying at its low. For example, in recent weeks including today, i have been ditching my math class and ochem class. I justify not going by telling myself that there are podcasts, or that i probably won't learn anything my going to lecture since im so far behind. As a result of all this, i try to study and stay in my room -- but its not effective cuz i end up doing something else. I need to step my game up, and i'm just disappointed about what i have been doing for the past few weeks. Anyways thats it for now.

Update On Life

So its been a while since I posted. I am now into my winter quarter of junior year. I am pretty proud of myself in terms of getting all A's (some A- :( ) since summer of 2012. I have also gotten a job at a neuroscience lab if I haven't mentioned (since a while already) and recently this year entered a research lab in cognitive neurosc. However, with all this work, there is a lot of stress. I think school work is good, but research takes so much time. My first quarter doing research was really chill. I got to run subjects, and see if research is really the environment that I want to ultimately be in. Then comes my second quarter into research, and I feel like there are much much more expectations that are required of me. My mentor informed me about me being more "proactive" in terms of asking intellectual questions, but I feel like its hard for me to do that and I need to work on that. On the other hand, I think he isn't really doing his part in promoting me to be "intellectual". So far, I have spent countless hours learning how to read articles, and try to organize times to meet up and help out with setting up some experiment material. I am also trying to learn a software that goes into MATLAB that can be integrated to run experiments. I feel like school work to me is just full of studying, but what is stressful is research (i know im saying this again)- mainly because I really like being told what to do rather than not know what to do and try to please everyone. I feel like the professor is looking down upon me right now because maybe I don't seem like im doing much because i don't see her as much. So theres my rant, and I just wanted to get it out there even though some things might not make sense. I really do like blogging- and actually keep reading other peoples blogs. I hope to write more on here and post pictures, because I feel like I can actually get to know myself and what I am thinking exactly. Heres to a post that hopefully is the beginning of many to come!

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Summer So Far

This summer i've been enjoying what there is to offer in san diego. I've been going to lots of beaches, and staying outdoors to study or just relax and chill with friends haah. Some random stuff today though, i guess im pretty music illiterate. My friend today told me about classical rock including some artists like led zeppelin and his song stairway to heaven, but i had no idea he existed until today haha. However, i think i do have a good reason why im not so good with american music. Since i was young i listened to anything my sisters listened to, which is chinese music. As a result, i don't have much background knowledge of american music. It also doesn't help to go to a high school that is prominently asians- further influencing me to only listen to mostly chinese songs. Though my taste in music since college has shifted a bit, i think im open to most types of music, like indie music and music that is not just pop music. 

Moving on...i went to coronado beach today and got stung by a jellyfish!! Whats funny is my friend was worried as hell, telling me to be very careful of jellyfish and sting rays in the shallow waters...but i kept trying to calm her down and when she was out of the water i went with two other friends into the water and mentioned that we shouldn't go into the water any deeper, but my other friend suggested that she went into the water deeper this morning, and seconds later after moving in a bit deeper, i felt a quick sting to my feet. The pain wasn't excruciating..i think it felt like a needle was stuck in my feet and a fat blister on the punctured part of my feet. I thought it was a nice experience haha. Now i think i have sun burn for going to the beach two days straight in a row. 

I know what i typed has been pretty random, but just wanted to say what was on my mind :p 

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Bleh...

My room mate is starting to get annoying he talks on the phone with his mom....and its been an hour already. -_- this has been happening for a while. I want some PEACE n QUIET...

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

What Makes People Do That?

Have you ever wondered why people do things that seem illogical? We'll I have, and today i just wanted to write about some questions that are on my mind.

1) Why is it that when you tell someone a secret, and tell them to promise to you not to tell that they still end up blabbing about that secret to someone else?

As for me, i understand that in dire circumstances like if someone is going suicide- then its the right thing to tell others. However, what i don't understand is when people blab about a secret that is simple. I am a person that hates people who are "big mouthed" and tell secrets that they promised they wouldn't tell. For me, although many of you don't know me, i am extremely trustworthy. When my friends tell me something, and i promise to not tell it- then i really don't. When i hear other people telling about their friends secrets, it gets on my nerves, because if that person wanted to keep something confidential then they confided it in YOU- and its ultimately your responsibility to keep your mouth shut because they TRUSTED you. Its amazing how some people can break promises and just blab. I want to go deeper into this phenomena. I mean, i am sure nature AND nurture play a role. For example, maybe there is an interaction of genes that play a role in not inhibiting someone to tell out secrets. Maybe, there is a gene that encourages people to not make promises as well as others. But i think in terms of neurological underpinnings of these causes is not too important of a focus in the scientific community as there are more important topics in life that need to be investigated before something social like this is looked into further. Furthermore, i think that there might be an environmental factor that plays a role in facilitating someone to blab. It is possible that a person is positively reinforced to tell out other's secrets because the people who they tell it to encourage them and embellish them with comments that make it gratifying to the secret teller. Those are my opinions and thoughts so far. I do have one thing to say though...I know its sad, but i think i have not found ONE person i can trust yet in life who i can tell everything to.- either im stubborn or i have a problem. Its just, im pretty sure there is someone out there who i can confide my thoughts and secrets with but, so far everyone i met- after observing them...they are blabbers, some extreme or not as much.

2) How do people succeed after going through a rough time or failing school. How do they get the motivation, or what makes them want to attain what they want after all? However, i think we also need to investigate how people become not successful, or rather lose their hope of attaining their goal.

This question came up in the back of my mind, because recently a lot of my friends have been coming from community colleges, and then transferring to pretty good universities. Thats what puzzles me, because when i knew them in high school they weren't getting the best of grades, and they didn't seem like they really liked school. I mean, i am very proud of them for turning around their life, and that this gives me hope that anyone can do what they want if they put their mind to it. But i feel like this is a complex idea to think about. For me, i think that every person has a "limit". Sometimes if you push the correct button- like going through a lot of shit and finally it "hits" you that you want to do whatever you want then you will really have that urge to do it. I don't know if i make sense, but i hope to elaborate on it another time.

-Matt