Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Not Feeling Motivated

Do you ever get that feeling where you tell yourself that you will be doing this and that and then fail to do it? I've been having that thought for a while now and its starting to bother me a lot - yet its so hard to change.

I know that in order to get into medical school, I need to work on a whole bunch of things. I am trying to get my letters of recommendations, personal statements, GPA, coursework, extracurricular activities, and MCAT all prepared. However, I think it seems overwhelming. I guess I just need to learn how to prioritize my things and also have the energy to do it. As of now I think work at the hospital has been tiring me out...so I need to figure out a game plan to get into medical school.

Okay, so I guess that was all the complaining. I am going to outline what I should be doing everyday to get to my goal: medical school.

1) Go workout or do some type of fitness workout
2) Study/Plan or do something at least 2 hours related to medicine
3) Blog about my life
4) Work or find something productive to do

There we have it...i am going to try to keep this stuff up and we shall see within the next couple days if all goes well.... :)

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Visitors in Life

Recently, three of my close friends happened to say that they will be leaving San Diego. One of them because she graduated and will be going back to Europe. The other one found out that she got a job in SF. And my one other friend is pretty much leaving me cause he is going on a cruise to South America for his job. I am pretty much sad about this because they are all my close friends and we known each other all of college. I can't even describe what we all experienced from school to personal problems...we've been through it all. That is why I feel really sad to say good bye to them. 

However, these departures got me thinking that people in your life come and go like a visitor. You are the one that will ultimately live your life, but the people that you encounter will shape and help mold you into the person you ultimately would like to become whether it is for good or bad. I would say that so far in my life I am glad to have met everyone. Now you are probably thinking what about family members or partners....I think they can be seen as visitors too because they take part in your journey of life and it just depends on the amount of time you spend with them. I guess what I am trying to do is think of people departing from  my life as positive thing....that they have helped me become a better person (hopefully) and supported me in what I have gone through. It is just difficult for me to let go of my friends due to all the deep connections we've developed over the years. 

Tomorrow is our last good bye before one of them leaves forever...so I am ready to say my goodbyes but not really. 

Monday, December 29, 2014

Where Am I Now?- Time Flies

Wow, time does fly. I just read some of the stuff that I wrote a while back when I was only 19/20, and I can definitely say that things have changed. I do miss typing away and just voicing my thoughts without any filters. 
Here are some of the things that have happened since I last wrote: 
1. I graduated college with a bachelors in cognitive neuroscience. 
2. I found a job at the hospital which pays decently well
3. I have had couple more experiences with guys in terms of dating and having a deeper connection (and trust me there is a lot to talk about, I have been on a roller coaster and still am) I think I am still learning about what I like as a gay man. 
4. I came out to two of my sisters and my parents (just yesterday...)
5. I am still thinking about medical school, though I need to get on that ASAP. 
So, I don't know if those are milestones but they seem to have shaped me into a whole different person. I feel much more mature, yet still not mature enough....if that even makes sense haha
What can I say...right now I am sort of dating this guy named D, and hes a good guy but I think I just don't have strong enough feelings for him. I think I might still like the medical student that I had couple of hang outs with. The thing is I don't know if the medical student likes me or not. I am trying to keep my distance away from him because I have my suspicions that he is a player because when we are hanging out he is constantly on his phone texting or talking to other people. My sister tells me to forget about the medical student but I just can't. I know she is right, but maybe just maybe sometimes we have that small hope that the person will like us, but most likely we will just fall on our faces and have to become stronger right? 

Anyways, it was really nice to come back here and update my life. I just wanted to say what I did today though. I went home work the weekend after a graveyard shift and met with 2 friends to get Portos bakery and then eat at a japanese restaurant. I think one of my friends who is a girl likes me and I don't know what to do....we've been hanging out for years and I just don't know what to tell her....she pretty much is implying she likes me. I think ill wait for her to tell me directly then Ill tell her I am gay...so she isn't hurt as much. Don't get me wrong she is beautiful as hell....many of my guy friends think shes good looking and nice but I just don't like her in that way. I value her as a friend and hope to keep her as a good friend. Then I went to get In n Out with my 2 sis and her bf...and then that night I told my parents I was gay (more about that later). Sunday today we hosted a yard sale and then went over to our cousins place in Irvine to get dinner and have a chat at their place. It was a pretty eventful weekend. I am really glad I am out to my entire family except for one sister, because I feel like I can talk much more about my experiences. :) 

Gnite, gonna sleep but hope to see you tomorrow

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Successful Day?

Today was a pretty good day for me. I am up  on par with my school work and I got a decent grade on my project for one of my classes. Also what even made it better was that I worked on an extra credit assignment, and a tutor really made my day by helping me step by step and explaining how to do the code. Oh and I even ran a campus loop! :p Now time to watch The New Normal, and then sleep. Got work tomorrow at 7am

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Relationships 2

So, another thing that I wanted to talk about is getting into a relationship? I am 20 right now and my apartment mates frequently talk about girls and how they really want to get with them and hopefully get into a relationship. I help them talk about their thoughts and relationship yearnings.

However, there comes a question when people like my friends, aunt or dad ask me questions along the lines of "haven't you ever liked someone before(girl)"-friends , "are you currently in a relationship with any girls you like?"-aunt, "make sure you start looking for girls now since college is the place where you meet nice people"-dad.

A lot goes through my mind when those questions are presented to me. Do I really want to be in a relationship? Am I ready to be in a relationship? I personally think that I don't really yearn for a relationship, but hey if it does come up then I would probably try dating, but its really hard to find guys to date if you aren't "out" yet. Also, I really don't mind having a whole bunch of friends to hang out with even if i have a desire to have a cuddle buddy or something to that effect at times. The other thing that goes through my mind is- why the fuck do people have to care so much about my business. If I don't really respond or try to not talk about girls is cause I am probably not into them. I hate having to cover up by saying who I think is hot etc....I see those girls as friends. I don't like how people assume things like every guy or girl is straight unless proven guilty--if that even makes sense. I don't know, but since i am in the closet still, I think that is why i am annoyed that people ask such questions. Sometimes I wish i could act more flamboyant or something so that people can assume that I am gay because I fit the stereotype, but I want to stay true to myself and that really is not who I am. I guess in a way, i am not annoyed, but more thinking about the implications of telling people about my sexuality. The more i think about coming out, I realize that it really is not a big deal because i have to realize that in this world, you need to really put yourself first and think about yourself. Everyone is in their own bubble, and telling people that you like guys shouldn't matter to them because it doesn't hurt them in anyway, and soon they will have their own lives to care and worry about. Sorry for the rant, but I just wanted to let out all of my thoughts. I hope in the future, I can be more coherent and make sense with my writing. Cheers.

In Deep Trouble

--dated sophmore year...lol its saddening to read this in a draft? Recently i have been feeling quite depressed, mostly because of my academic life--furthermore which affects my social life. I guess i can say i was doing quite well in college until i started organic chemistry. I'm currently on my second quarter of ochem, and i have been behind A LOT. I already barely passed ochem first quarter with a C--i really dont even know how i passed first quarter because i didn't know anything nor did i study until couple days before the final exam. This quarter is a little bit the same for ochem, i am behind and i really don't know anything. This class along with physics has brought my confidence in studying at its low. For example, in recent weeks including today, i have been ditching my math class and ochem class. I justify not going by telling myself that there are podcasts, or that i probably won't learn anything my going to lecture since im so far behind. As a result of all this, i try to study and stay in my room -- but its not effective cuz i end up doing something else. I need to step my game up, and i'm just disappointed about what i have been doing for the past few weeks. Anyways thats it for now.

Update On Life

So its been a while since I posted. I am now into my winter quarter of junior year. I am pretty proud of myself in terms of getting all A's (some A- :( ) since summer of 2012. I have also gotten a job at a neuroscience lab if I haven't mentioned (since a while already) and recently this year entered a research lab in cognitive neurosc. However, with all this work, there is a lot of stress. I think school work is good, but research takes so much time. My first quarter doing research was really chill. I got to run subjects, and see if research is really the environment that I want to ultimately be in. Then comes my second quarter into research, and I feel like there are much much more expectations that are required of me. My mentor informed me about me being more "proactive" in terms of asking intellectual questions, but I feel like its hard for me to do that and I need to work on that. On the other hand, I think he isn't really doing his part in promoting me to be "intellectual". So far, I have spent countless hours learning how to read articles, and try to organize times to meet up and help out with setting up some experiment material. I am also trying to learn a software that goes into MATLAB that can be integrated to run experiments. I feel like school work to me is just full of studying, but what is stressful is research (i know im saying this again)- mainly because I really like being told what to do rather than not know what to do and try to please everyone. I feel like the professor is looking down upon me right now because maybe I don't seem like im doing much because i don't see her as much. So theres my rant, and I just wanted to get it out there even though some things might not make sense. I really do like blogging- and actually keep reading other peoples blogs. I hope to write more on here and post pictures, because I feel like I can actually get to know myself and what I am thinking exactly. Heres to a post that hopefully is the beginning of many to come!